Velkommen til deg selv,
du har lengtet etter deg.
- Martin Lønnebo
Desse sidene er laget for deg som står i et forhold privat,
på arbeidsplassen, i kirka eller andre steder som gjør at
du føler deg kronisk krenket, umyndiggjort, fratatt retten til
å bestemme over eget liv, forminsket, åndelig og mentalt kneblet,
latterliggjort, utnyttet, sliten, sint, frustrert, truet, tvunget til
å gjøre noe mot din vilje, overvåket, tappet for selvtillit
og isolert fra venner og familie.
Kjenn deg selv! Lar du deg av frykt - og misforstått hengivenhet,
kjærlighet, toleranse eller "respekt"- trampe på
av et kontrollerende og manipulerende menneske, en ideologi, en religion,
åndelig veileder, et politisk system osv kan det føre til
psykisk og fysisk sykdom og invaliditet.
TA DEG I AKT PÅ JOBB OG PRIVAT!
According to the American Psychiatric Association, sociopaths make up
only three to five percent of the population. However, the Consumer Detective
Association indicates that nearly every person will come across a sociopath
sometime during their lifespan. If you've been on the receiving end of
the psychotic behavior of a sociopath, the statistics don't matter. All
that matters is figuring out how to unravel the mess a sociopath will
try to make of your life.
1. Know your enemy: Sociopaths manipulate, lie and scheme against
you. They think nothing of spending 10 hours a day on the phone, or in
person, telling anyone and everyone lie after lie about you. Your reputation
may be in tatters by the time they are done. According to therapist Martha
Stout in The Sociopath Next Door , sociopaths have no remorse. They do
not feel sorrow when they destroy your life.
2.Don't play the game: Once a sociopath targets you, the situation
turns into a game for him or her. Your attempts to "fix" the
situation with rational conversation is seen as weakness by the sociopath.
She will feel she is winning and will amp up her efforts, even twisting
your words and using them against you.
3.Escape the insanity: I can't stress enough that you simply cannot
win with a sociopath. A sociopath will never stop attacking your reputation
in the most ruthless manner possible. The ONLY way to win is to get away
from the sociopath. I know this from personal experience. I had to cut
off every avenue of possible contact to escape the craziness created by
a person who came into my life by chance.
4.Take a witness: If you are in a situation where you must deal
with the sociopath, such as someone in your family, or a co-worker, refuse
to speak with the person unless you have a third party present. This way,
you have a witness and your words and actions cannot be twisted and misconstrued.
The Abuse Recovery site offers additional tips for dealing with a sociopath
that you might find helpful.
5.Don't let it get to you: A sociopath will tear down your innermost
confidence in yourself bit by bit until you wonder if all the conflict
is your fault. Take a step back and really reflect on the situation. Take
responsibility for your own faults (we all have them), and lay the blame
where it belongs for the rest.
While the average person spends a good portion of the day thinking about
those she loves (children, husband, parents, friends), a sociopath doesn't
have these emotional ties with anyone. Instead, she will spend all that
time plotting to take you down and destroy you either literally or figuratively.
Even removing yourself from the sphere of the sociopath's influence may
only work for a while. You must remain consistent. Do not let the sociopath
fool you a second time with his or her charm. Do not believe the person
has changed. Most therapists agree that sociopaths cannot be treated
effectively. Instead, take steps to protect yourself and your family.
Consider drastic solutions like moving, changing jobs and making new friends.
Remember that it is all a game to the sociopath. She or he does not care
if you're hurt. The only goal they have is winning. The only way you can
beat a sociopath is to get away from a sociopath.
(av lat. manipulus, håndfull), eg. håndtere; behandle (sykdom,
manipulasjon) med visse håndgrep; behandle på en underfundig,
lumsk måte, spesielt å påvirke andre ved knep og midler
som de ikke har forutsetninger for å gjennomskue og derfor ikke
kan verge seg mot]
Martha Stout once wrote: "If ... you find yourself often
pitying someone who consistently hurts you or other people, and who actively
campaigns for your sympathy, the chances are close to one hundred percent
that you are dealing with a sociopath."
Toxic people. If you are experiencing this in your life, let me share
with you what I have learned. I think I can help you to feel better.
* Be comforted in the fact that you are not alone. Every person walking
the earth knows at least one toxic person in their life. The toxic person
is a family member, friend, associate, workmate, boss, etc. Toxic people
come in all shapes and forms as they know no boundaries.
* Realize that until you stop allowing a toxic person to hurt you and
your life, they will continue to do so.
* The most important thing to remember is that you have the power to
stop a toxic person. You do this by controlling your own actions and reactions.
As you probably already know, you cannot control the actions of other
people. But the good thing is you can control yourself and your life.
You have the power to walk away from a toxic person and not allow them
into your life anymore. Freedom is a wonderful and liberating experience.
* Realize that toxic people can drain your health, energy, well being
and sanity. It helps to move away from toxic people and move towards people
who are positive and uplifting. Positive people are a blessing. Rely
on your instincts, they never lie. Train yourself to move away from what
hurts you and move towards what feels good. This is one of the smartest
life skills you can learn, and also one of the best gifts you can ever
give to yourself.
* Toxic people are extremely negative, nasty, narcissitic, miserable,
whiny, jealous, inconsiderate, financially irresponsible, selfish, and
abusive. They can be criminally minded, mentally ill, or just plain evil.
Toxic people are also the ones that abuse alcohol or drugs and then hurt
other people. The toxic individual exudes the dark side of human nature
all of the time. They cause other people pain, craziness, and aggravation.
They are not hard to recognize. Just take notice of how you feel when
you are around one of these people. It will be easy to determine. You
will immediately feel sick and experience physical symptoms like a headache
or stomach pain. Or you will just feel like you are going crazy, but don't
worry that is the true mark of being with a toxic person. Remember this
so that you will be better able to identify a toxic person. That is the
first step towards eliminating one from your life.
* Know that when a person is toxic it is because of their own issues.
Sometimes these issues can consist of mental illness. Accept that a toxic
persons behavior has nothing to do with you. In life, each of us has to
take responsibility for our own actions. Toxic people do not do this.
They have a habit of turning things around so that you feel bad, you feel
guilty, and you feel like you are at fault. Remember that when dealing
with a toxic person, they are responsible for their own actions, but often
do not. Realize this and you take back your power.
* The best thing you can do when dealing with a toxic person is to walk
away and not allow them to hurt you anymore. If you cannot walk away,
then mentally walk away. You can do that by being kind to yourself. Allow
yourself to disengage, disassociate, and detach. Detachment is a process
of not caring.
It is something you do for yourself. It is a mental skill that takes some
time to learn at first, but once it is mastered, it can help you to become
stronger mentally and physically. Detachment is a necessary skill for
preserving your own mental health. Detaching from people and situations
that are not good for you is healthy and can help you to feel better.
Begin detachment by repeating affirmations. Affirmations are powerful
because over time, the mind believes what we program into it. The following
are some good examples to help you, but feel free to make your own that
speak to you personally.
I do not care about ***.
I will not allow *** to hurt me.
Detaching from*** will help me to be healthy on many levels.
I control my own life and decisions.
I am strong.
I feel good about the decision to detach.
Detachment is healthy and necessary.
* When dealing with toxic people remember that exercise is your best
friend. Exercise relives both mental and physical tensions. It helps the
body to produce healing chemicals that will repair your body and help
you think more clearly. Exercise also encourages the release of endorphins,
chemicals that relieve pain and help you to feel good both mentally and
* Most importantly develop supportive relationships with your life
partner, friends, family, workmates, and associates. There is strength
in numbers. Talking things over with the people in your life who love
and care for you, can help you to overcome the negativity of toxic people.
Just as animals and children instinctively can sense when someone is good
or evil, the people who love you are very good at recognizing when someone
is toxic and hurting you. Loved ones are a good defense against toxic
people because they can offer you good advice and support for eliminating
negative influences in your life.
Har du noen gang møtt en person som på en eller annen måte
har fått deg til å tvile på deg selv uten at du kan
forklare hvorfor? Kjenner du noen som på finurlig vis klarer å
sette deg i en dårlig stemning, selv om vedkommende tilsynelatende
er morsom og positiv? Har du av og til vært utsatt for en som har
fått frem dårlige følelser i deg, og fått selvtilliten
din til å synke? Da har du antakeligvis vært i kontakt
med et manipulerende menneske. Les
What is manipulation?
Manipulation is a set of behaviors whose goal is to:
Get you what you want from others even when the others are not willing
initially to give it to you.
Make it seem to others that they have come up with an idea or offer
of help on their own when in reality you have worked on them to promote
this idea or need for help for your own benefit.
Dishonestly get people to do or act in a way which they might not
have freely chosen on their own.
Con" people to believe what you want them to believe as true.
Get "your way" in almost every interaction you have with
people, places or things.
Present reality the way you want others to see it rather than the
way it "really is."
Hide behind a "mask" and let people see you in an acceptable
way when in reality you are actually feeling or acting in an "unacceptable"
way for these people.
Maintain control and power over others even though they think they
have the control and power.
Make other people feel sorry for you even though it would be better
for them to make you accept your personal responsibility for your own
Get away with not having to do the things necessary to meet your obligations,
responsibilities and duties in life.
Involve everyone in your life's problems so that you do not have to
face the problems alone.
Keep everything the same so that the status quo is not affected or
Make others feel guilty or responsible for actions or thoughts which
are yours alone.
Get others to feel like they are responsible for your welfare so that
you do not have to make a decision or take responsibility for anything
that goes wrong in your life.
Manipulative Behavior Inventory
Play the victim
Play the martyr
Throw temper tantrums
Say "anything you want" when you don't mean it
Act compliant when you don't want to
Lie about how you feel
Act hopeless and pathetic
Act befuddled or confused
Tell stories or fabrications
Use hyperbole or exaggeration to build up problems
Act as a "wedge" between people keeping them divided against
Act judgmental or shame people
Use guilt trips
"Looking good" for the other
Act hurt or wounded
Act ignored or forgotten
Act unloved or uncared for
Blame others for your problems
Act overly solicitous
Ingratiate yourself with others
Act "out of it"
Act "sorry" for your bad behaviors
Insincere promising of change or reformation of behaviors
Act as if you don't have value or worth
Keep everybody upset to keep focus off you
Keep people around you in competitive relationships
Drama is what people who lack substance do
to manipulate others to get their way in the short run,
but causes others to stop respecting them
and avoid them in the long run.
How to deal with manipulative people
Use the Principle of Fair and Reasonable
Make a list of the manipulative people you know. They are the ones
who will always become dramatic (or bombastic, sullen, belligerent, etc.)
whenever they want to get their way or get out of doing something they
dont want to do. With people you dont know, they are the ones
that will cause you to have a knot in your stomach within minutes, if
Dont interrupt them and let them punch themselves out
verbally. This might take some time, but eventually they will stop talking.
Pause after they stop and say, Hmm. This will communicate
youre thinking about what theyve said and considering it and
will make them feel anxious because they will sense that youre on
to them. And say, Hmm in a way that begs the question from
them, What are you thinking about?
In a measured, calm voice say, I was just thinking about whether
what you are asking is fair and reasonable to me, because if it is, Ill
be happy to oblige. However even if its not, I might still do it,
but then of course its a favor and youll owe me one now or
at a time of my choosing in the future.
Heres where it becomes fun. Watch them puff up, possibly have their
neck veins turn red and eyes start popping as they indignantly retort:
Dont do me any favors! and stomp out.
To add icing on the cake you might say as they leave: Well if its
important to you and youd like to exchange favors in the future,
feel free to talk with me again.
Not only will you feel triumphant after beating a manipulative person,
you wont have to go out and have a smoke, eat something bad for
you, or kick the dog that you usually do when such a person gets the better